Realizations

In the past week as my intake of sleep has increased, my ability to think back about what has happened in the past four months has really taken shape. Those of you who know me well also know that I like to stay in control. I have the need to manage things myself, even if they are going horribly wrong. I try to take a role of strength and support for others, instead of asking for it myself.

But as I slowly escape this fog that I have been in for the past four months, I realize that I didn't really help anyone, including myself and Jonathan by taking this approach. I came to this realization after two events this week. The first event: talking with my husband on Sunday. He's said for a while now that I need to open up more to more people... that I was probably suffering from postpartum depression (PPD) and needed to talk to somebody...that I needed more help emotionally and psychologically than what he could give.... I say "he" because my husband really was the only person in the past few months who has truly witnessed what I've been going through. My best friends and family, including my mother, live a long way away and I've never felt that I could share my intimate struggles with them because then I would be burdening them with something that they can't help with so far away. My friends here are struggling with their own lives and drama right now and, again, I like to be in control.

The second event: I did a search online for PPD and what it entailed... even took a few self-assessments, focusing upon how I've felt the past few months. And to be honest, the answer to almost every question was "yes." Trouble sleeping? YES. Loss of appetite at times? YES. Worry excessively about your child? YES. Lack of interest in pleasurable activities? YES. Cry excessively? YES. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt? YES. Difficulty concentrating or making decisions? YES.

For months, I've chalked my feelings up to "baby blues," knowing that my feelings were more intense than that. After a bad day, generally after a bad night and lack of sleep, I'd consider that I had a problem, only to have a better day after that and put the cause of my previous feelings on lack of sleep alone. But I'm being honest with myself now and everyone else. I've been depressed. That's what I was suffering from... am suffering from. The combination of sleep deprivation, hormones, and stress have done a number on me. And now that I'm talking about it and realizing it, I'm feeling better. I haven't ruled out going to someone to talk about things if I start spiraling again, but I'm realizing that being in control and simply "managing" is causing me to miss out on the good stuff with my son and with my husband. So I'm coming out, so to speak, so that I can move on and begin to feel better... so that I can get past the fog that I've been in and start living life again without feeling a cloud over my head. Wish me luck.